Eraser Highs

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 23:24:15 GMT

a girl can wish, can't she?

done

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 20:54:42 GMT

All of my apps are now done, except for a couple small loose ends. I feel relieved, and worried at the same time, because I would really like to interview at some of these bigger programs. I'll just have to wait and see, I suppose.

high hopes

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 03:47:11 GMT

I'm really shooting high with most of these, but what the hell. Somehow, I managed to get 3 letters of recommendation, fill out the online applications, and write a personal statement, all in 2 days. It's amazing what panicking can do for motivation.

my list:
Emory University
University of Washington
UC - Berkeley
UC - San Diego
UT - Southwestern
UT - Austin
Baylor Medical Center in Houston
Tulane

All of these (except Tulane) are gigantic, exceptional programs and I would be lucky to get into any of them. Shouldn't be too long before I start to hear back, as interviews start in January.

Excited/Scared

like a record, baby

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 04:05:17 GMT

New med dosage is driving me insane. Literally. Yesterday I was convinced that the world was coming to an end.

In other news, I'm currently failing grad school. Seriously. Doesn't help when the prof in charge of my lab decides to email us all and tell us that in the test we had in Methods class, which he submitted and graded some of the questions for, we didn't do as well as the rest of the class. Thanks, AVK. I appreciate this information. Was that really necessary?!

Miserable.

I've finally found something I like and I suck at it. Goodbye, PhD program.

What i'm thinking of

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 22:56:24 GMT

What am I here for
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you
I don't need no one else

Change, change, change,
I want to get up out of my skin
tell you what
if I can shake it
I'm 'a make this
something worth dreamin of

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCeZzW54a2o">Santigold - L.E.S. Artistes</a>

Not an emo post? What?!

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:35:52 GMT

i know that I usually only post on here when i'm incredibly depressed, but I'm making history now!

For the first time in a very long time, things feel like they're good and RIGHT. Everything seems to be falling into place so quickly and simply. It's nothing huge like, "I just got the job of a lifetime!" It's the small things. Things like I just joined my first book club, I am getting a ton of new students (my wallet is very grateful), I might be playing in an ensemble for fun soon, I'm starting to enjoy New Orleans and make some friends here. And I'm trying to appreciate the small things that happen daily, like watching Horatio Hornblower while cuddling with Zac and Abby, reading good books (and writing my opinions on them http://chungsliteraryreviews.blogspot.com/), keeping busy, having a decent student once in a while, etc.

At any rate, maybe it was a depressing holiday that made me really appreciate my life, but since I've been back it's felt like I'm on an incredible high all the time. Things just seem...lighter and brighter. I called my mom yesterday and left a message and she thought that I was drunk. I guess I was, in a way. Drunk off of life? I haven't really changed anything, except hopefully my outlook on life in general. And I hope that this feeling is permanent.

Sorry to be gushy.

GRRRR!

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 21:36:36 GMT

Annoyances:

Filling a really expensive prescription that was written for the wrong drug by the doctor. $60 down the drain.
Pie not coming out right...I made a lot of mistakes.
Not being able to register for physics because of stupid shot records.
Having to mail off and pay for shot records.

All this just today...I'm pissy.

cooking

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:35:34 GMT

So, I have this week off of work. And I'm cooking like crrraaaazy! I love it.

Last night I cooked bulgogi, a traditional Korean barbecue beef. It was really good. Tonight I"m making Ma-Po tofu with these zucchini pancakes. I'm also on a pie craze. Gonna make a peach and blackberry pie, and a couple of apple pies. And make my own crust. Woot!

NOLA is good. Tons to do, fun all around. I'm not crazy about my job, but it's good pay. Kids these day, though...no discipline. It's fucking nuts. I wish I could beat them with a bamboo stick or something.

help

Sun, 25 May 2008 11:02:09 GMT

I told my parents that I'm moving to new orleans with Zac whom I recently got back together with.

I already have a good job lined up and everything...and none of my future career goals have changed because of this.

They told me that if I do move, they will have nothing to do with me anymore. They threatened to come and pack up all my stuff and force me to move home. They said it wasn't my choice. That I wasn't being rational. That it was a huge mistake. That they would never accept him. And they would never forgive me.

But why? What am I doing against them? I'm financially independent. I'm extremely successful at everything I do. Why am I not allowed to make my own choices? Why am i not allowed to make mistakes? Why does every major decision I make have to be met with resistance, doubt, and rejection from them?

This is just one example of why I think I have some major personality flaws. The way I was raised...they way my parents are...is so fucked up. I don't even know how I function successfully in the world.

Anyway, this whole situation is really getting me down. I mean, REALLY. Everyone wants the approval of their parents. But I was raised to think that it is the ONLY thing that matters. It has been my sole motivation for so long. This...reliance is so unhealthy. But I don't know how to break free of it. I wish it was as easy as seeing how wrong it is. But I see that. And yet it's so hard to break free of 18 years of deep conditioning...even though I've lived away from home for 5 years since then.

Any advice?

Stranger in a Strange Land

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 01:59:37 GMT

Sometimes...I wonder why all the good parts of myself never seem to be present all at the same time. There's always something missing or gone off in a different direction. I wonder how much of it I could control, and how much is really out of my control. I wonder, all the time, if everything wrong is something I could fix if I actually wanted to. I wonder if this is true, whether I would.

Every path, every choice, as proud as I am that they are all my own, seems to be riddled with land mines. I don't know if this is just life. Or that I make bad decisions. Or that I care about the wrong things.

I'm scared shitless about my future, honestly. Because there's nothing I have right now that I can hold onto as permanent or steady, that I know will be there with me in the future as well. If I just had that...I wouldn't be so scared. But there's no such thing as permanent or steady. And I just wish i could trust again. It's hard to enjoy the present when you're constantly worried about what might happen in the future.

I wish i could believe in something great, something good, that would give me purpose and motivation.

I'm going to go play piano.

oh yeah...

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 05:20:09 GMT

I forgot to say...today i told my boss/head of the theory department that I won't be returning next year. He was surprised, but very understanding. Which was nice. The only problem now is that i have absolutely NO motivation to finish up all this work. Except that I would like to be able to show future schools/employers that I did do well in a master's program. Which is actually kind of important, I guess. Sigh. All i really care about is April 18. I just hope that the time passes by quickly. It is so far, which is a blessing.

My dog has discovered the magical trick of putting her paws onto the kitchen counter to scope out any potential snacks. Today she ate 2 grilled chicken tenders that I was going to put into my quesadillas. She's too smart...takes after her mommy. Hehe.

stuff

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 14:01:44 GMT

I only have 2 weeks left of school.
I took out my first loan yesterday. I figured I should take one out while I can get a good deal on it, cause bank loans suck...even though I'm 80% sure I'm leaving FSU. At least it'll give me some startup money until I figure out what I'm going to do.
In the meantime, I'm looking for a second job to have over the summer. I was gonna try for starbucks, but after doing some internet research, it doesn't seem worth it. Not that great pay, tons of training until you actually get to be a barista. So...yea.

As if this couldn't get any fucking better

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 22:51:15 GMT

I didn't get into the DIA. FUCK. FUCKING FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to end up staying in this shithole another fucking year.
I'm very angry
And upset.
And sad.
Mostly angry, right now, at least.
Which is better than sad.

I'm going out to get shitfaced at a bar.

Why does nothing seem to ever go right?

I can't stand the wait

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 11:44:40 GMT

I've been waiting since the beginning of November to hear back about this job/program.

I'll know tomorrow whether I got in.

If I don't get in...I'm going to be really drunk tomorrow.

If I do get in...I'm going to be really drunk tomorrow.

So much depends on whether I get this or not.

I'm making fried chicken with mashed potatoes and mac n' cheese today.

Time goes by....so slowly....hehe.

shit

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 17:40:54 GMT

I can't keep my head still, it keeps kinda flopping around and i can't keep my eyes focused either. I slept 11 hours. I slipped back into two old, bad habits last night. Not good. Note to self: no drinking this weekend.

I'm so behind on my homework. I need to read 7 more articles and do reviews on them before i go into work tonight. Then i have to write a prospectus on a topic i haven't researched yet. And I have a presentation next week. And I need to read a book and do a review on it too. And this is all just for one class.

They decided to renew my assistantship for next year. Although they were questioning whether they should or not. So here's my current plan: if I don't get into the DIA, I'm going to stay here, get my master's (i'm almost done, really), while taking physics and an MCAT prep class, then take the MCAT next spring and apply for med school in the summer.

FOUR DAYS until I hear from the DIA. I'm so nervous.

Decemberists

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 00:51:10 GMT

"But I," said the bachelor to the bride
"am not waiting for tonight.
No, I will box your ears
and take your tears
and leave you, leave you here
stripped bare."

Isn't it ironic that this is the song that made me fall in love with the Decemberists? I wish I could still listen to them. I just can't.

list

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 16:51:01 GMT

no more energy drinks
no more alcohol
no drinks other than water, actually
no more xanax at night
no more fast food
no more chinese buffet

I made a deal with myself. If I get into the DIA scholars program, I'm gonna take out a student loan and buy a motorcycle. A nice motorcycle. A Kawasaki Ninja 650r. However, this is kind of a bad idea, because if I don't get in...that's two big disappointments. Either way, I'll know on March 31.

Had bad dream again last night.

Now to study German all day so I don't fail this test too.

DIA!!!

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 04:30:31 GMT

March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31 March 31

alone

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 21:20:55 GMT

Roommate's gone for the weekend. So all afternoon I cleaned up her mess, cleaned up the dog/cats messes, vacuumed the house, did the dishes, etc etc. It's so nice to be able to see the living room floor again.

Don't want to go to work. Had a bad day yesterday, not just with tips, but my mood was all over the place too.

"So come back i am waiting"

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 18:52:06 GMT

up down up down up down down down down

4th disappearance. I give up.

If the DIA doesn't contact me soon i'm gonna shank someone.

behind in school.

dog = love

couldn't even get through this one song. Reminds me of april 2005.

I wish i had a horse.

I'm desperate and it's sad.

Just wish someone cared, that's all.

meh

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 05:09:19 GMT

Long day at work. Very long.

But I didn't drink. Small victory, i guess.

:(

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 21:50:21 GMT

My puppy is really sick. I'm worried as hell, and I have to go to work in a little bit. I want to call in but I can't.

I had an incredibly amazing convo with a colleague today and it was so inspiring it almost makes me want to get my doctorate just so I can do a dissertation about what we talked about.

I feel like shit today. I think it's because I passed out last night before I could take my meds.

List for myself of things to do when I'm lonely:

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 01:51:53 GMT

Play piano!
Find new music
Finale typesetting
Read
Play with Abby
Write to people
Look at recipes/cook new ones

Would anyone be interested in creating a recipes LJ group? I think it'd be fun to give suggestions on healthy meals and share recipes. Lemme know!

Abby

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 22:20:42 GMT

weird

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 04:01:57 GMT

Y'know, it's a funny thing. I'm starting to finally be okay with myself. Just alone. I'm not sure why the sudden change in attitude. Probably a lot of it has to do with finally being constantly busy all the time. But then that begs the question...am I just happier because I don't have the time or energy to actually think or feel sad? I don't know. I mean, I guess if this is what it takes for me to start being content, then it's what I'll have to do. I'm actually feeling like I could actually hold out another year in this shithole, if I don't get any of the jobs I applied to. We'll see.

I've started listening to classical music. I don't know if I've ever really done this before. I mean, I've had to listen to tons of music for school. But now, I just enjoy it more. I'm not sure why.